The Do-It-Yourself Sales Letter Makeover

by Marcia Yudkin 

For years, my most popular business service has been taking 
sales letters that aren't getting results and remaking them 
so that inquiries and orders pour in. At the risk of 
starving this cash cow, I'm going to reveal the mental 
checklist I use that accounts for a high percentage of the 
improvements I introduce. Ask this set of questions about 
your sales letter before you finalize it, and you'll be able 
to swell a trickle of response into a steady stream of 
profit. 

* Do you let the reader know in the first paragraph why 
you're writing, and provide a reason to read on? Your 
recipient digs into the letter with the question, "What's in 
this for me?" An opening like "We are pleased to announce," 
for instance, usually provokes a "So What?" Instead, put 
yourself in the shoes of your reader, formulate your main 
point from that perspective and try leading off with it: 
"Until September 22, 1998 you have the chance to become one 
of only 2,346 people in the universe to own mineral-rich 
real estate on Asteroid A-17." 

You can also satisfy this imperative with a provocative, 
topic-specific headline in big type above the date and 
salutation of the letter. For instance, I once headed a 
three-page letter about a publicity consulting program, 
"Finally, Fame and Fortune are Within Your Reach!" 

* Do you provide a clear and compelling offer, or a specific 
action that you are asking the reader to take? An offer 
means something like, "For only $29.95 you can have 
unlimited use of our health club for one month, along with a 
one-hour private session with one of our certified fitness 
trainers." At the very least, explicitly tell readers what 
action you would like them to take now, such as "Please 
return the enclosed prepaid postcard to let us know about 
your future landscaping needs." 

* Do you explicitly describe the strong points of your 
offering? I found this copy in a car dealer's letter weak 
and vague: "Check our prices. They're probably better than 
you think. We guarantee they're competitive." I recommended 
changing that to "We'll match any competitor's price for an 
oil and filter change for your car." In my first look at a 
sales letter, I usually circle murky words and phrases all 
over the place and write, "What do you mean by this?" "And 
by this?" "And this?" Replace each generic, wishy-washy 
expression with more precise wording. 

* Have you taken into account the fact that the reader may 
be receiving many competing offers and enumerated the 
principal advantages of your product or service? When a 
business-opportunity dealer wrote, "I learned the pitfalls 
of mail order the hard way. I bought many, many worthless 
programs," I urged him to reveal the dollar amount he'd 
wasted before finding the program that enabled him to turn a 
profit for the first time, and to elaborate on what made 
those programs worthless. Use this formula if you have 
difficulty putting your advantages into words: "Unlike other 
XXXs, we..." For instance, "Unlike larger law firms, at BB&G 
you deal consistently with the partners, knowledgeable 
experts who always return phone calls within 48 hours." 

* Have you addressed and disarmed the most common fear, 
misgiving or concern prospects might have about buying from 
you? There's always a natural uncertainty about buying from 
a stranger. Guarantees help, as do testimonials from 
satisfied customers and lists of large organizations that 
you've served. These don't always have to appear in the 
letter itself, as in: "If this sounds too good to be true, 
I'll happily supply you with the names and telephone numbers 
of dealers in your state who have secured their future with 
our plan." 

* Do you use a "P.S." to provide a compelling reason for the 
reader to act now? Studies show that a postscript gets read 
more often than any other portion of a letter. Word your 
"P.S." so that it makes sense if it's read first, and 
include an incentive for acting fast, as in, "Remember, we 
have only thirty-one of these slightly damaged, fully 
functional metronomes left at 80 percent off, so place your 
order today!" 

For additional do's and don'ts, collect and study especially 
impressive or awful letters that come in your mail. My 
"sample sales letter" file measures almost three inches 
thick!

Marcia Yudkin <marcia@yudkin.com> rewrites Web sites and 
postal sales letters so that they generate results. For her 
manual of before-and-after sales letter makeovers, "Turn Any 
Sales Letter Into an Irresistible Concoction," see 
http://www.yudkin.com/scourse.htm .